Chi-nematic Sports! The Summer Block Buster

Nonsensical Sportacular Musings

sports-in-chicagoThe sports bonafides for the city of Chi need not be further expounded upon… and yet that’s what we plan to do in this wee weekly offering from CTP sports post… a bit of sports and failed attempts at humor…Wading (and that was an ingenious way of sneaking Dwayne Wade in for our article… A pre-requisite for any posting is at least one mention of D-Wade) through the morass of off-season rumors, trade possibilities and impossibilities and all the other ridiculousness we inundate ourselves with while the ball isn’t actually hitting the hard-court can get a bit tiresome… and I’ve decided to battle the inanity of Boozer-related-will-he-won’t-he and Ben Gordon whinging about “Paxon didn’t write me Shakespearean sonnets” with equally as inane musings…

Imagine we spend the summer season producing a live action feature film about Chicago sports… I have no plot, script of funding… all I have is the insanity caused by the off season. So here we go:

Kirk Hinrich: Starting with Kirk because he might be off to Portland faster than you can say “should have made that three in game 7 and perhaps we wouldn’t have to see Rondo’s ugly visage ever again”… Although he did make Rajon piss himself during a dora the explorer sponsored non-fight.

Jackie Earl Haley… you know the fellow behind the Rorschach mask in watchmen… I was torn between him and Elijah Wood in his hobbit make up… and in a perfect world… the two would have a child… and that child would play Kirk Hinrich in a live action Chicago sports movie…

John Salmons: This one was easier than getting a seat at US Cellular on match day… has anyone noticed that Wesley Snipes dropped right under the radar after his tax evasion case… and suddenly John Salmons appears from the nebulous Kings (honestly I’m not even certain Sacramento is a real city… and at this point will betray my infantile nature by mentioning i want to make a “sack” and “mentos” joke)… I don’t even know if this counts as casting… because I think Snipes is just hiding from authorities as Salmons… and picked up his wicked skills on the set of ‘White Men Can’t Jump’… bloody hell i hadn’t even thought of that until I wrote that sentence. At this point it would take a force of nature to convince me they’re not the same person.

Cuauhtemoc Blanco: PorQue Maria… Taco Burrito…. yes Pablo Francisco… he’d have to put on some weight to play our boy Blanco… but really come on how could i go with anyone else… and it gave me the chance to type out the words “Proque Maria… Taco Burrtio!”… Also we should look into this being the most vowel heavy name in the history of sports.Lindsey Hunter: Martin Lawrence… he just feels like Martin Lawrence to me… you know what I mean?I’m glad the Bulls resigned him for next season… How else would they fill that 17 seconds in the third quarter?

Jay Cutler: I am massively excited about Jay Cutler… I honestly am. Which makes it really hard to cast him… but there really is only one person who could play him… Matthew Perry. Perhaps I’m focusing too much on the lack of chin… but honestly there is an eerie similarity… and Perry played tennis with Jennifer Capriati, which would have been athletic credentials enough for me to pick him over Rex Grossman. (It’s probably not worth mentioning Cousin It for Kyle Orton is it?)

Brian Urlacher: played by… Seth Rogen. No seriously… shave his head, give him some protein shakes… and suspend belief. I’m just secretly hoping this will lead to the Packers O-Line eviscerating Rogen, I couldn’t be more sick of the wanker.

Geovany Soto: Jerry Ferrara… you know, Turtle from entourage… It could work, come on… the last two would add some comedic wonderment to our non-existent feature and that should completely make up for their complete lack of athleticism. Also did Mike Piazza ever stop over in Chicago and sire a child, because I’m suddenly realizing there is a massive resemblance between the two. I speaking in pure aesthetics here, in terms of actual play the gulf between Soto and Piazza is akin to the aesthetic gulf between Roseanne Barr and Bar Rafaeli.

Vinny Del Negro: Played by any extra from a Bruce Springsteen music video from the 80’s… actually could we get any extra from Bruce Springsteen video to coach the bulls instead? Derrick Rose: played by Pharell. Now I know in sheer talent there is absolutely no comparison… but there is a striking resemblance. And it might have the added benefit of some of Pharell’s charisma might rub off on Chicago’s number uno. Oh and the far greater added benefit… it might keep Pharell away from all music videos for a while. If we’re talking about rubbing off… maybe I want to cast Tiger Woods as Rose… but then enough Chicago basketball greats have made fools of themselves on the golf course.

Ozzie Guillen: Brilliantly portrayed by John Leguizamo in the role that wins him an Oscar… it was him or Luis Guzman (you know boogie nights)… but then I thought of Leguizamo’s prehistoric sloth from ‘Ice Age’ going mental during a press conference and expounding expletive after expletive in a press conference and that sealed the deal. Also who wouldn’t want to hunt Ozzie Guillen on a remote Island ala ‘The Pest’… Ozzie the most dangerous game!I had Carrot Top for Noah… but couldn’t be bothered to actually write something up for that… and wasn’t convinced it worked. I’m anxious to see what else we can come up with. I can’t believe I just typed all this down… I’m telling you the off season does terrible things.